Reasons to love Kate Moss #10,000,009: her practical, feminist approach to modelling. In a video interview with photographer Nick Knight, she disabuses us of any mystery we may have imagined lay behind those iconic 1990s Obsession ads for Calvin Klein, saying of the photographer, her then-boyfriend Mario Sorrenti: ‘I’d wake up in the morning and he’d be taking pictures of me and I’d be like, “F*** off”… and I lay like that for about ten days. He wouldn’t stop taking pictures.’
When Knight points out that this is how you get great photos, Kate scathingly retorts, ‘Ten days?’ Adding: ‘When you’re in a relationship with a photographer and they start abusing that relationship by being like, “I want you to do this,” and I’m like, “No”… he’d be like, “Get up on the roof, take your clothes off,” and I’d be like, “I don’t want to do that.” We split up after that.’ Go easy on poor Kim, Kanye. Let this be a warning.
In the pantheon of ablutions, the shower has never been as relaxing an option as the bath. But nor has it ever been the place of so much industry. The latest summer beauty innovations? In-shower treatments. Dubious as I was about these promise-laden unguents, I caved ’n’ bought. First up was St Tropez’s new Gradual Tan, which you apply in the shower, leave for three minutes, then rinse.
Craiks on a plane
In my head, I am perpetually turning left when boarding a plane. In reality, I am perpetually turning right, straight to seat 37C next to the toilet. If I’m not next to the toilet, I’m next to the baby or the drooler, who will neck a sleeping pill and spend the next seven hours with their head lolling on my shoulder. This actually happened on a flight to New York. Every time I got to a rare comedic moment in the Jennifer Aniston film, he’d ruin it by yelling ‘DADDY! DADDY!’ in his sleep.
There are only two things wrong with summer holidays: the flights. That Ryanair’s profits have soared by 66 per cent seems incredible. Can what Michael O’Leary describes as a move to stop ‘unnecessarily pissing people off’ genuinely reap such rich rewards? Imagine if this strategy was applied to other industries — that merely by ceasing to be vile to customers, your profits jumped by two-thirds. Maybe we should all start swearing at our bosses, telling them their shoes suck and their wanton use of emojis is annoying, be nice for a bit, then ask for a pay rise.
Ryanair might have a bad reputation, but whichever airline you choose, something will go wrong. Where to begin with the litany of indignities and injustices?
because your bag is 0.5g too heavy, even though it was under when you weighed it at home yourself: check (easyJet). Having to carry your mewling baby around because the airline lost your buggy: check (easyJet). Having to go to a Gucci show in sweatpants (not the cool kind) because the airline lost your luggage: check (BA). Being made to drink your own breast milk at security: check.
The problem is, I have turned left on occasion. And like anyone who has turned left on occasion, I know exactly what’s out there — an Elysian chorus of champagne, hot towels and main courses featuring jumbo prawns. Sometimes I wish I’d never visited this nirvana. It would make the pre-packed panini of doom less hard to bear.
I’ve noticed that something strange happens to white heterosexual businessmen when they fly first class. They sit at the bar getting hammered, surrounded by other white heterosexual businessmen. They’ll spend the whole flight boasting about their workouts, houses and cars, instead of mainlining free wine and crisps and watching a romcom, like any sensible person.
I try to remember these irritating men when my knees get stuck under my tray in coach. For even in paradise, there are flies. Hemingway may have claimed ‘it is the journey that matters in the end’ — but Hemingway had never been on a budget airline.
Despite contradicting all previous fake tanning wisdom — namely, don’t go near water several hours after applying — it works. It gives a pale tan, not a deep one, but on the plus side there’s no freaky mushroom smell and no orange stains on the bedsheets. I also tried John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Shower Treatment, a leave-on, sing-a-Whitney-song, rinse-off affair. OMG. I now have hair like Kate Middleton, Harry Styles and J-Lo combined. I’ve tried every thickening treatment out there; this is the best.